This was written Monday, February 28. I was considering dropping the English class I am enrolled in. To see the strange way my mind works, read on.
I made a decision today.
At least, I think I did.
Yep, I’m almost 100% sure. And, it was a piece of hair that helped me decide.
I was washing my hair this morning. Head full of suds, eyes tightly closed, soapy hands, and an obnoxious stray hair itching my nose. No big deal, right?
“Just wipe it away Jen,” I can hear you saying. Should have been that simple.
But as I’ve admitted in the past, I’m quite stubborn, so no such luck. Plus, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m weak on my left side. A combination perfect for small annoyances causing big frustrations.
Like that long, tickley hair under my left eye above my nose. What a nuisance but as I said, my right hand was full of lather.
Again, I hear you, “Just wipe it away Jen.” Heck, I was thinking the same thing. And after a moment of processing, my face itching and my right hand full of bubbles, I thought, “Scratch it with your left guy, silly.”
I tried to do that. And to quote my friend Ashley, “Umm, not so much!”
I couldn’t even lift my left hand to my lips. Nowhere even close to the source of my itch. “You’re kidding me, right?” Stupid hair, stupid disease, stupid, stupid, stupid!!
Being frustrated, I instead used my soapy right hand to support my weak left hand (insert A-Team quote about how, “I love it when a plan comes together” here) and Ahh, such relief.
Hair was gone. Wonderful, right? But I began to remember how I promised my neurologist I’d work on strengthening my left arm before our next visit in April (yes, that April, the one just a little over 2 months away), and the fact that I couldn’t even move a lone stray hair off my face by using my left arm, leading me ask myself, “WHAT AM I DOING?”
“I’m putting myself last.”
This class, interesting as it is, is not worth all of the stress. Or worse yet, getting so overwhelmed that I have an MS exacerbation. That’s not fair to me or Dan.
“Come on Jen. You should drop this class. Can’t you read the signs?”
Apparently not, because I went to class Tuesday. And you know what? I felt amazing. This was my choice. I did not let my disease stop me from doing something I really wanted to do, or give me an excuse to take the easy way out by just giving up. I should be able to exercise and strengthen my arm while also going to class. I was using MS to give me an excuse to be lazy. And that’s not good.
There are a lot of things that MS forces us to do differently or to sacrifice but my education is not one of them, for right now, at least. And I hope it never will be.
So I will exercise, and get my rest, and take care of myself and Dan. And I will not give up on the things I really want, because at the core I knew and know, I can do this.
Some day I may not to be able to, but I’m not giving in any sooner than I have to.
“I’m not giving in any sooner than I have to.”
My feelings, exactly. Pretty much, if I stopped doing the things that are made harder by my MS, I stop doing anything. It’s all hard in different ways, and maybe I push too hard sometimes and pay a price later, but I’m still not stopping. Uh uh.
Great piece of writing!
Thank you very much Judy. I really appreciate your kind words and support 🙂
Please don’t tell anyone, especially my wife, but I am falling in love with you!
The fact is that our MS communoity is filled with a good number of folks who have tremendous hearts, minds and spirits. You mmust be at the top of everynes list.My saying: I want to do1 as much as I can for as long as I can. That sounds like you too.
Oh wow! Thanks Michael, I appreciate your kind words. For as yucky as this disease is, getting to belong to such a great MS community makes life much better. All the best, Jennifer